Dancing In The Dark Ends Kirribillus Year

by Matt Price - The Australian

And in the sixth month, the angel Menzies appeared to the Blessed Janettus and said: "Greetings, you are most highly favoured. You shall produce a Saviour." And it came to pass that Janettus didst travel to Bennelongus. Whereupon she stumbled upon an unlikely candidate, thicketh of eyebrow, crooked of tooth, squeaketh of voice. "You shall be the Saviour," declared Janettus, and the little fellow had no choice but to obey.

Yea verily, the Saviour flourished under the strict tutelage of the Blessed Janettus. True, there were dark years when the prophets' wise counsel seemed fanciful; the Saviour didst spend far too long hanging about with Lazarus, intimidated by the harsh reign of Caesar Bjelkus.

But the Lord smiled upon the Saviour and Lazarus had been well and truly cremated by the time Menzies instructed Janettus and the Saviour to travel to Kirribillus. They followed a star and rode on a donkey, the faithful Costellus. The Saviour whipped and kicked and abused the ass, yet Costellus never faltered in step, remaining loyal and true and a figure of general ridicule.

Arriving at Kirribillus, the innkeeper forewarned Janettus that the digs weren't quite ready and they'd need to bunk in the manger. Verily, Janettus fired the manservant and installed the Saviour in the master bedroom.

Word of their journey reached Liverpoolus where the heathen former mayor, King Lathod, became intimidated by the Saviour. Coveting Kirribillus for his own, Lathod issued a decree demanding all furry-browed burghers of Bennelongus endure one of three horrific tortures.

Nay, even Hobson could ne'er have concocted such hideous choices - beheading, a handshake or a full recital of Civiliseth Liverpoolus Capital, Lathod's incomprehensible opus available in most Kirribillus remainder stores for a tithe of a shekel. Most Bennelongus burghers happily sacrificed their noggins.

Unbowed by Lathod's threat, Janettus wrapped the Saviour in blankets and took refuge in the manger. Whereupon a flock of shepherds, following the star, arrived to heap praise upon the Saviour.

Abbottus almost suffocated the chosen one in a bear hug, covering him in love bites and kisses and disgusting everyone by licking the soles of the Saviour's feet. This prompted Costellus to vomit and Janettus to give Abbottus a good telling off.

Nelsonus knelt beside the Saviour and beseeched him to offer wise counsel. "Go forth and teach the word," advised the Saviour, whereby Nelsonus began railing about the uselessness of teachers, the inadequacies of universities, and the superiority of boilermakers and hairdressers over theologians and philosophers. As Costellus dry-reached, the Saviour made a note to self: "Odd sort of fellow, but could go far."

Whereupon three wise men entered the manger bearing gifts for the Saviour. Smithicus brought gold, Medicare Gold, which the Saviour dismissed as illusory and far too expensive. Swanicus presented the head of Faulkenstein, father of Lathod, which Janettus thought might make a good broth. Conroyus, who arrived bare-handed, was on triple Prozac and said nothing but "myrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrh".

And it came to pass that the shepherds and the magi and assorted worshippers paused to sing carols. Downerus ripped into the Johnus and Yokous classic Happy Christmas [War is Starting]. Campbellus, Tuckeyus and other visitors from the west sang The First Noel Crichton-Browne and Auld Lang Hancock. Ando-us, Boswellus and De-Anne-us bored everyone with an endless version of The Twelve Days of Christmas featuring billions of dollars' worth of lords, musicians, maids and miscellaneous poultry, all delivered to marginal Coalition seats under the Kirribillus Partnership Program.

Meanwhile, suspecting treachery, a furious King Lathod summoned courtiers and demanded pledges of loyalty.

"As sure as Cain is the sister of Adam, I shall serveth you forever," said Ruddicus, further confusing everyone by speaking in Aramaic.

Beazleyus rose, quoted entire passages of Deuteronomy, Ecclesiastes and Revelations, then vowed to giveth loyalty to the King as the King gaveth to him. By which time Lathod was fast asleep.

Back at Kirribillus, Janettus shooed shepherds, magi and hangers-on away and enjoyed a Christmas port with the Saviour. They agreed it was an honour and privilege to serveth the people, and important not to appeareth triumphal. Whereupon the pair bursteth out laughing, crackethed open a bottle of Bollinger and began singing We Are the Champions while dancing the cancan.

Prompting Costellus, loyal and trusty ass, to speweth on the straw.

(To be continued)

* * * AS you've probably figured, this column's summer break is long overdue. I'll be back, god (Rupert) willing, in February, but can't resist leaving you with KJ's response to seeing his abusive email reprinted in last week's column:

Damn u Mr Price,

U have ruined legion of fans who listen to your column on radio for the print handicapped. One would assume they wouldn't read aloud such foul language. Ah well, 'tis the season of goodwill and I wish you compliments of the season. God, when u see your comments in the paper like I wrote - I feel ashamed. Sorry, hope the souvlakis in Athens were good.

Gulp.

KJ x.

The image of KJ listening to the wireless regurgitate his words adds a frisson of joy to the festive season. Merry Christmas.